Creepy VS Sexy

Being labeled as “creepy” is a powerful fear for many men, preventing them from introducing themselves to new women.

In his mind’s eye, he imagines saying “hi’, and then the whole world turning to look at him. The girl immediately dismisses him with a disgusted look. She walks off shaking her head, muttering, ” what a creep”. The world of people point fingers and laugh. “What is he doing?!” they scream. Some people start recording the situation and post it on Instagram. The video gets 1,000s of likes instantly. He crumples into a paper ball and rolls away in shame. And then he awakes from this nightmare, because that is pure fantasy.

However, there is a way to connect with women that they appreciate and is worth learning. A way that is not creepy, and in fact quite charming and sexy if the work is put into himself.

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And so, what is the difference between a sexy man who is able to communicate his interest in a woman in a way she appreciates, and the creep who makes her uncomfortable?

Let’s start by examining these two different men.

The sexy man is confident and comfortable with himself. This might have taken some time and effort on his part to deal with his “shit”. What you see is not the product of chance or luck, but of inner work and growth. And so now he can present himself fully, without trying to impress her or hide his curiosity in her. When he says hi, he probably has a naughty smirk on his face and looks deeply into her eyes. In a way, this is vulnerability. She could blow him off and not make eye contact with him, leaving him to stand there rejected. Even in this worse case scenario, he feels fine. He showed up and put himself out there, and that feels good as a man. But what often happens, is that the woman is intrigued by this refreshingly REAL man. He’s raw and genuine with her, and she enjoys looking him in the eyes, because she sees him in there. He’s not hiding anything, and in a way she feels she can trust him and understands him and why he is talking to her right now. If she rejects him, she can see he is strong enough to handle it well, and if she accepts the invitation she can see that he will be real and raw, exciting and clear with her. Very good stuff ūüėČ

Now we have zee “Creep”. Looking up the history of the word, one definition is to move with “imperceptible motion”. This describes very well the problem the “creep” has… He has some unhelpful beliefs about himself and fears about presenting himself to the world and being vulnerable. He has potential if he puts in the work to accept and process these issues, but when he is acting (or not acting) from a place of fear and doubt it plagues his dating life. So when he sees a woman he is interested in, he does not present himself openly and with vulnerability. He mixes avoiding the situation with his curiosity, so he views her but from afar. Pretending not to be checking her out when she notices him. He’s trying to act with “imperceptible motion”. He’s creeping. If he does work up the courage to say hi to her, he continues his attempt at “imperceptible” interest and pretends to be asking her a question. She senses a disconnect. It’s unclear what this guy wants, because his actions and desires do not seem aligned. So she gets uncomfortable. She doesn’t know what to expect from this man. He’s not being vulnerable, not giving her a chance to see the real him or politely decline his interest. “Will he continue to pretend he’s not interested and then suddenly spring some direct and forward remark on me? Will he get angry if I say I have to go and take rejection badly? I can’t tell because he’s hiding his true self.”

With the sexy man, she knows what’s going on. He gives her a chance to reject him or accept his invitation to play along. This is comfortable and potential exciting. It’s refreshing and appreciated. She can tell he can handle life, he can handle women, and he can handle himself. She doesn’t have to worry about hurting his feelings and him reacting badly to her. He will stay and play or leave graciously if he’s not wanted, being considerate of her.

With the “creep”, it’s unclear what he wants and so she’s unsure about his intentions. She feels he is putting on an act and doesn’t know why. There is nothing with substance to engage with, and nothing clear to resist since in a way he actually is being socially polite. It would be rude to dismiss this man for simply asking questions, but he’s not being genuine with her. And because she feels uncomfortable with his unpredictable presence, it might become necessary to leave. She doesn’t want to be rude and she doesn’t want to be around someone who is being slightly deceptive and isn’t being present and real with her.

Do you see the difference? Give her something to push away or accept and you make her comfortable. Give her nothing but an act, and she is in a difficult and uncomfortable position. Don’t forget women are typically not as physically strong as men, so there can be genuine fear about a man who seems deceptive and reactive.

Fortunately, every man can become the sexy man. Even if you have issues, you can show up as the sexy man. Don’t hide! Be vulnerable about where you are at the moment and you’re already doing the most important part. Combine that with a consistent practice of showing up in the rest of your life, (like taking responsibility for your health and well being, setting and striving for goals, and practicing good habits) then you become a sexy man who acts like one too.

Until next time,
Andrew

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